Last week with FH & More

I don't really know where to start. I must admit that I've put off writing an updated blog for some time now. I don't know if i didn't want to actually have to deal with it, if saying it makes it real and i have to 'figure stuff out' or if it's been so busy....most likely a mixture of all. I have been praying and struggling for months with wanting to leave FH. Our field work and workers are amazing but i think that seeing things from a high level forces you to see the 'ugly' of your organization. You have the privilege of seeing all the good but also comes with that is the bad and i couldn't see anymore. I love Kenya i love FH/Kenya but i finally got to the point that i felt as if God was releasing me. I was in Northern Kenya doing a livestock market assessment and i had a lot of time to think, pray and struggle. While i was there i resigned. I have since then continued to struggle for a few reasons.

One is that I've lost hope in holistic sustainable development in general. I see good programs that reach the physical needs and i see others that reach the spiritual but i do not see them integrated and on top of that being sustaining. i just don't know if i believe it's even possible anymore. I am struggling with the 'what now' to this considering that it was what i wanted to do for a while. I also desire to stay in Kenya, i don't feel 'done' with it and so i hoping/ praying that God allows me to stay but i will need another job. Then on top of all of that i am just tired. I have been going strong for a while now with no breaks, no rest, no boundaries and i need some time to recuperate which leads me to my next surprise. (Side Note: personally an old freind that i grew up with passed away a few weeks ago, our receptionists husband was carjacked and shot dead and there's been political unrest here.)

Surprise: I've decided to go travel through Europe for 5 weeks with a good freind of mine. Cheryl works with FH/Rwanda doing communications and we met in Peru almost two years ago and have remained friends since. She has also recently resigned from FH and we have decided to backpack for a while and take a vacation. I am extremely excited about this and cant wait for the opportunity to finally travel for fun, to explore, enjoy nature and have new experiences while visiting exotic, beautiful places.

I will finish up with FH this week but will be doing a few freelance briefings in April for my boss. Also a friend is getting married soon and i'm going to the coast with a different dear freind for her spring break vacation. Then I depart April 28th for London, where we will start and will return to Kenya by June 9th. I have been searching for jobs here in Kenya and in East Africa and have come across several that might have potential but don't feel a strong desire/ inclination towards any of them. Honestly, I'm struggling with what sort of organization to work for. With losing hope in faith based NGO's that say they are doing something they are not i don't know if i want to rush into another one straight away. Then there's the option of government work but getting a job with the UN or US Embassy is extremely competitive but it's not that as much as the work environment itself...

I just don't know. So, please pray for me. I don't know what to do. I am trying to seek wise council, praying and reading scriptures but i still don't have direction but i do have peace. For now my 'plan' and i do use the term plan loosely, is to finish up with FH, do the freelance work, attend friends wedding, go to Kenyan coast and then go to Europe.....

I'm sorry i cant give more now ....